Friday, November 28, 2008

Might have been better two days ago...

...but still funny.

Status: Total blogging slacker - doing lots of family stuff
Song: "Holiday" by Green Day

I'm thinking this would be great for next Thanksgiving.

Here is a new way to prepare your Thanksgiving Turkey.

1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.
2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully. (see attached picture for details)
3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve.
4. Watch your guests' faces...

Monday, November 24, 2008

Just a note

Status: Briefly coming up for air between finishing my WIP and Thanksgiving preparations
Song: "When All Is Said and Done" by Vertical Horizon

Hey All! I'm hoping to post at least one giving thanks kind of blog this week, but just a heads up that I'm devoting almost every spare minute to writing so I can get this book off before Christmas. So the blogging will have to go a little back burner, unless I just need some R&R. (Crazy that I unwind by writing, eh?)

Anyway, I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving and will soon be back to my blogging norm.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Jaime rants about politics, toothpaste, and Obama as a vulcan

Status: Getting to the end of my current book, so the blogging may get scarce the next little while
Song: "Cloudless" by Peter Gabriel

This year was a year of firsts in politics here in the U.S. And if you were paying the slightest bit of attention to the Presidential Race, then you can think of plenty of those on your own. For my rant today, the first I want to talk about is the first time I think politics actually has surpassed the ridiculousness of celebrity worship. Perhaps this is not a first, and I just haven't paid enough attention to enough politics, but I'm still going to rant on it anyway.

You know what set me off? The news headline that "Web-savvy Obama may be without email."

You're freaking kidding me, right? Whether I voted for him or not, I support the new President of our country, and I don't mind hearing all about the policies he wants to implement, or who he appoints to his cabinet. Meetings with other prominent leaders, okay. I'll even concede cool things about the White House the Obama's can expect to enjoy.

But do we really need to stop what we're doing to contemplate which breed should be the "First Puppy?" And I know Barrack Obama playing basketball is more news worthy than wars in the Middle East. Don't forget how important Michelle Obama's choice of apparel is (you might not believe the blogs devoted to her dress choice. Um, get a life people?) Stories about the potential "First Grandma" are mildly okay. She's a cute old lady, so I'll let those ones slide. These are just some of the headlines I've seen dashing around the Web on a normal day.

It more than smacks of hero worship. And frankly, it's driving me batty. I see more about Obama than Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, etc. etc. I couldn't care less about the minutae of an actor's or actress's life, so why do I care if Obama's email service is down? Did we get a whole news story when some other senator couldn't get into his email? And maybe I'm a little off here, but I *think* that it will get fixed before he takes office. Certainly the U.S. Government can make sure the President of the United States has internet access--somehow? (Although, with some of the government programs I've had to slog through, maybe that's too optimistic.)

How long before our President starts doing celebrity endorsements? I can see it now.

"Hello, I'm President Obama. When I'm going into a peace summit with world leaders, I want to make sure my smile is at its best. The only toothpaste for the White House is Crest Whitening. Not only is it the one most recommended by dentists, but with its patented whitening formula I can knock the socks off any dictator who may or may not be a tyrant, but we won't actually call him evil, even though he slaughters tens of thousands of his own people. But if he uses this toothpaste, at least his smile will be without reproach."

If I see a headline talking about the Obama's getting a haircut, or which toothpaste or shampoo they use, I will totally lose it.

**I was looking around for a picture of President-Elect Obama for the blog and came across this one that would have made milk shoot out my nose if I'd been drinking milk at the time. It in no way is disrespectful to Obama. Well, any more than putting vulcan ears on him can be. If someone made John McCain look like Scottie I would have loved it too. I come from a Trekkie family, so this is hilarious to me. I got the picture from Enjoy!**

I'm sure vulcans value their pearly whites, too.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Worst First Date

Status: Getting ready for family pictures tomorrow
Song: "We work the black seam" by Sting

No horrible first date I ever had tops this one. So here's a fun story to start your weekend off with a good laugh.


If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter--snowing and quite cold--and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem. Due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down.' And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno 's comment..."This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."

Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

A game of Tag

Status: About 2 chapters from finishing my current manuscript (YEA!) - then edits.
Song: "The Mummer's Dance" by Loreena McKennitt

It finally happened! I can't tell you how happy this makes me.
Really, I'm getting choked up.

I've been blog tagged! I've been waiting for months for someone to tag me (and if you already have & I just didn't know, I'm soo sorry). Now I feel like I'm fully accepted into the blog world. Like, maybe, I'm "popular." *Sniff*

Stephanie tagged me for... drum roll...

6 Quirks.

I have to tell you 6 of my quirks (only six?! How will I choose from the avalanche of idiosyncrasies in my psyhe?) and then tag 6 people.

Here goes:

Quirk #1 - This is probably the biggest. I don't like chocolate. *Gasp* Yes, you heard me right, and no, I don't know how that is even possible. Probably just a genetic defect.

Quirk #2 - I can't sit on an unmade bed. It just makes me cringe. I used to go over to friends' houses and make their beds so I could sit on them. Rumpled blankets on the couch are close enough to an unmade bed that I can't do it either.

Quirk #3 - My comfortable temperature is about 80 degrees Fahrenheit. And since most of the year where I live the weather is below that, and most people keep their houses colder than that on purpose in the summer, I am almost always cold. Jason calls me "Coldilocks" and my brother used to say all the time that if you dropped me in a boiling lake I'd still be cold. I *love* my electric blanket.

Quirk #4 - I'm a compulsive email-checker. I have 4 email addresses and check them multiple times a day. I also used to have internet on my cell phone and would check email at the store, in the car, etc. I got rid of the cell phone internet, and am working through a 12 step program to break the email-checking habit. (Not really, but it's not a bad idea.)

Quirk #5 - I am a horrible shopper. First of all, I usually talk myself out of buying stuff while in the store. Then, if I do actually buy something, chances are I'm going to return it anyway. It's so bad that my family teases me about it and Jason will buy me a whole load of stuff for Christmas that he knows I'll return, but he hopes that I'll keep one or two things. It's kind of a running joke.

Quirk #6 - I am the Morning Person of all Morning Persons. I physically cannot sleep in. Even if I go to bed at 3 a.m. I'll be up by at least 7:30. I think the longest I have *ever* slept in (in my life) is 8:30. Maybe 9:00. And I think it was from serious jet lag from a trip to Europe. And just forget having me around much past 10:00 p.m. I usually get up between 5:00-5:30 a.m. My kids are all the same way (Jason often reminds me that it's all my fault).

So there are 6 of my quirks. I hope you'll still like me after reading them...

So now I'm tagging: Lori-ann C., Deborah T., Jenny W., Mindy S., Stephanie R., and Marissa T. You're IT!

Leave me a comment to let me know you got the tag so I can go peek at your quirks.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Remember Veterans Today

Status: Grateful for the millions who serve and die for our freedom
Song: "Hammerhead" by The Offspring

Thank a member of the military.

Happy Veteran's Day

*I went on a field trip with Brennan's class to the cemetery this morning and took all these pictures myself. Yea!*

Monday, November 10, 2008

Know your choking protocol

Status: It's raining, it's pouring...
Song: "Rock You Like a Hurricane" by Scorpions

There are lots of things that make me choke figuratively. Politics sometimes. The stupidity of some people (esp. myself). When my kids say something outrageous in all sincerity and I try hard not to laugh so I pretend to choke not to offend their sensibilities, etc. Even though that kind of choking has a lot of possibility for blog fodder, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the chunk of food caught in the airway so you can't breathe and start turning purple kind of choking.

**Complete aside: Some people make their blogs more artistic by changing font size and color. What do you think? Do you like it? Or is it just distracting?**

You're probably wondering why I'm addressing choking, then. Well, snuggle in and get comfortable because I've got a story.

Once upon a time...

...there was a family. This family had had a long couple of weeks, complete with friends in the hospital, hectic sports schedules, school projects, and the dad (we'll call him Jason) working insanely long hours. A Saturday with blessedly nothing on the calendar rolled around, and the parents decided that they really didn't want to cook. But since the mom (we'll call her Jaime) is a bit of a Penny Nazi (a nickname used in all affection, I assure you) they scoured the coupons and found one for 2 free kids meals at a nearby IHOP with the purchase of some adult food.

"Let's go, and even if the food is so-so, at least we didn't have to cook it," Jason and Jaime decided.

"Yippee! IHOP serves 4 star cuisine!" shouted the children.

The family *finally* piled into the mini-van with everyone's coats and shoes and headed to the restaurant, planning on some so-so or 4 star food (depending on the character) and at the least a semi-peaceful meal. Only semi because any time you throw 3 hungry kids into a booth waiting forever for their chicken fingers, there is inevitably some fighting and commotion. Although hopefully no one would color on the other's clothes with the crayons this time.

The food arrived and the family dug in, with varying degrees of enthusiasm (Jaime's sandwich was technically what she ordered. The kitchen didn't feel like following her request of not toasting the bread and not putting on the orange slices of American "cheese" - although calling that stuff cheese is really a stretch, like calling Campbell's soup "home-cooked", but I digress...). The family were talking and eating (and in the kids' case, doing both at the same time, a habit which the parents are working on diligently) when the oldest boy started choking.

He grabbed at his neck and started turning red. Jaime waited a second to see if he could cough the food out. When it was apparent he couldn't, she leaped across the table and yanked him from the booth, passing him with great aplomb to Jason. He wrapped his arms around his son and proceeded to do stomach thrusts (you may know that as the Heimlich maneuver) and back slaps. After some tense moments, (and three sets of stomach thrusts), the offending chunk of food dislodged and the boy started to cough. Dad collapsed onto a chair.

So much for the peaceful dinner out.

Jaime, in typical mom fashion, then emphatically hammered home the point, "That's why I keep telling you to take smaller bites!" Which has been a source of contention at meals for a while now.

The rest of the patrons got free entertainment with their meals, and the parents did not have to call 911, so I guess you could call it a success.

The moral of this (true) story? Know your choking protocol.

Here's an article that shows you how to do it. And here's an article at Wikipedia that explains the protocol.

And I am so grateful that we did know what to do.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Bad Writing Contest Winners

Status: Not liking shopping on a Saturday
Song: "Numa Numa" by O-zone

A friend emailed me the link to a local paper's Bad Writing Contest Winners for this year. It seriously made my day. Here are some of my favorites:

Best nod to a runaway bestseller

When Bekka — sweet, adorable Bekka, scrapbooker, scripture chase champion, pure, innocent chaste Bekka, who made her own modest swimwear and provided Rice Krispie treats for every missionary homecoming — when Bekka announced her engagement to Ed, everyone in the ward knew it was right, because Ed was, as any fool could see, Bekka's perfect match: good looking, strong, and a vampire.

—Eric Samuelsen

Best romance

Theirs was a romance straight out of the Old West, replete with trusty horses, cowboy hats, boots, spurs, six-shooters and shouts of "yee haw!" which is probably why the condo association had them evicted.

—Lynn Nielsen

Best cliffhanger

From the tips of her toes to the ends of those pesky hairs on her head that even spray and brushing never hold down, Sarah sensed something huge was about to happen to her, and it does, too, on page 157.

—Steve Warren


Detective Smyth, a former English teacher, stepped over both mutilated bodies and a spreading pool of blood on the floor, to use a can of yellow spray paint (that the killer had left behind) to correct typos in angry words scrawled on one wall: "Yu'll never katch me, kops!"

—Robert B. Robeson

You can see the whole list here.

You can see the whole list here.

And some more hilarious, milk-snorting winners from the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest here.

Here's my favorite from that one:

"Die, commie pigs!" grunted Sergeant "Rocky" Steele through his cigar stub as he machine-gunned the North Korean farm animals.

Dave Ranson
Calgary, Alberta

Friday, November 7, 2008

We've achieved bike helmets

Status: Happy for a weekend with no plans
Song: "Clocks" by Coldplay

I finally did it! I bought us all good bike helmets! See? (Click here if you don't remember why this is such a momentous occasion.)

Part of the reason it took so long is that I heard about a law office about 30 minutes away that sells them for dirt cheap (a publicity thing--I think--since they are accident attorneys). So it just took me a couple weeks to actually get enough free time for the trip. But I dug through the available helmets and got the best bang for my penny-pinching buck. And my boys don't have to wear pink helmets, either.

In other, completely frivolous news, I got my hair cut. Big deal, you might think. But for me it is a big deal, considering it's been about a year since my last hair cut. I took some "before" and "after" pictures, but they did not turn out well. I must not have the taking-decent-pictures-of-yourself gene because 98% of all the ones I take of myself **note: this section has been revised at the suggestion of my husband, and considering my rant on beauty recently, I agree** are not very flattering.

The whole point to the story? You can see the haircut next time you see me. I was also thinking of posting a crazy hair Flashback Friday but I had a hard time finding old pictures of crazy hair. I guess I didn't go too wild in the hair department. I didn't even do the huge 80's bang thing too much. And Jason was no help at all, either. Oh well. Any of you, feel free to steal my idea and post crazy hair pics.

Have a fantabulous weekend, and check out my other blog for a fun, frivolous, and anti-heavy book recommendation.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

It's all about child labor

Status: Tired from staying up way too late
Song: "Running from the Scene" by Manic Bloom

*epiphany* I finally get it. Until now, I didn't know that all the reasons I thought I chose to have children were completely wrong. The whole idea that I will grow as a person, that by relinquishing my own life for that of my children will make me more compassionate, that we will continue on the family, that a part of me will live on in someone else, yada yada yada. Total bunk. Some of you may still be deceived by these and other faulty reasons.

But the real reason for having kids is to have your own child labor force.

Yep. That's it. We need to get back to our roots. Our ancestors knew all about it, that's why they had monster families. They needed children to run the farm! Well, I've been working way too hard, while my labor force runs around and plays.

"No more," says I. "I am now enlightened."

So how did my first morning of enlightenment go? We woke up to 3 inches of snow and it kept falling. Jason had to leave early for a conference, so I was gearing up to shovel the driveway while my children watched me out the windows from the comfort of the warm house. Fortunately my oldest is a real smartie, and he was bundled up in snow gear before I finished breakfast. "I'm going to shovel the driveway," he announced. Whereupon his younger siblings--who melt into a puddle of wailing and tears when I tell them to make their beds--quickly got dressed too and headed outside.

And my labor force shoveled the driveway and sidewalks. I didn't even have to put on snow boots. It was marvelous!! I've been working waaaay too hard.

*crack* (whip cracking) Shovel faster!!

Don't let their adorable-ness fool you. They're just my personal sweat shop.

Senea decided it was the perfect time to play on the swingset.

I am a magnanimous tyrant. I let them start a snow fort after they were finished.

**Disclaimer: This blog is completely tongue in cheek. I in no way condone, agree with, or participate in the very real atrocity of child labor. I find the practice abhorrent and of course will give my children two 15 minute breaks, a lunch hour, and the video game time they are entitled to by the U.S. Constitution. Oh, wait. That's not in the Constitution?**

(Just getting used to the avalanche of political correctness on the horizon.)

100 POSTS!

I didn't realize that I had reached my 100th post, like two posts ago.

Happy 100!!

*Sniff* I'm so proud...

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Don't forget to VOTE!!

Status: Going to vote
Song: "Proud to be an American" by Lee Greenwood


Monday, November 3, 2008

Synchronized Swimming - on a stage?

Status: It's been one of those days
Song: "Crazy" by Seal

I don't have time for a long post, so here's a fun video for you on a crazy Monday!

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Pics! Pics! Pics! From Halloween!

Status: Kinda excited for the time change. It will make getting up at 5:15 so much easier because my body will think it's slept in!
Song: "All Night Long" by Peter Murphy

We have to post a few Halloween pics, don't we? The first ones are from a neighborhood Halloween Party. The house was full, and there were easily twice as many people we would have liked to be there. Rumors are flying that next year it will be at my house, and we can cram more people in, because it was so much fun!

Jason and Jaime - the Doctors on call.

Jason with the Calloways, who really might have been in the cast of Mamma Mia.
They were also the winners of the Best Couples Costume Award.

Lynett and Dale A. - Mr. Clean and the Dust Devil. Winner of the Most Creative Costume.

Mia, with her Best Costume award. (Please excuse the fuzziness. I guess I had a case of the shakes or something that night. I was probably laughing.)

Carol and Adam - totally grooovy, man! (Even if the photography is not. LOL)

Kristi was just excited to show she could still do this, but dressed as Nastia the 15 yr. old Olympic gymnast, I guess we're not surprised.

And now some pics of carving pumpkins. It was another Homestarrunner Halloween for our Jack-o-lanterns. (And if you don't know Homestarrunner, I promise to enlighten and convert you in a future post.)

Senea just dug right into the slimy pumpkin innards.

Halloween morning dawned with a spectacular sunrise.

And the kids excited to be off Trick-or-Treating. Ian was a ninja (but a good one, notice the white uniform). Brennan was an alpine paratrooper, complete with parachute pack and portable radio (you notice the antennae sticking out - and no, it's not a golf club. It's an antennae!) Senea was--shocker--Cinderalla... again. Mom had the priviledge of taking the kids Trick or Treating and I went as a... well, a mom. Sorry all, it was one of those days and I did not dress up.

But here's a pic from last year, when I wore that wig all day, even driving around town, to the post office, and to the store.