Song: "I can do everything good and you do everything bad" by my 5 year old
And that's really a song, too. I simply have to post and explain why the kids and I were watching American Idol last night when Jason walked in the door after working late. He stopped in his tracks, jaw dropping to the floor. "What are you watching?" he said in total disbelief. I mean, I'm a little anti-TV as it is. I don't ever, ever, hardly ever watch the thing. Especially never reality shows.
Let's just say I had a long day, complete with trips to the doctor's office, the carpet cleaning guy showing up and I had completely forgotten he was coming so had to scramble and pick up toys and move furniture, my husband working late, and being on the phone for 30-45 minutes with Comcast to figure out what is wrong with our phone service.
It went something like this...
Technician: Ma'am, (and that's something else, I'm not a ma'am yet. I'm not old enough to be a ma'am!) Take off the splitter and plug your phone directly into the modem.
*in the tone that clearly says this would have been good information to know, oh, 10 minutes ago before we tried a whole bunch of crap that didn't work because I neglected to mention I have a splitter plugged into the back of the modem.
Child (screaming from downstairs--everything he said was at maximum volume): Mom! Can I go play?
Me: Okay, I'm plugging in the phone. No dial tone still.
Child: MOOOOOMMMM! Can I go play?
Technician: Wait. Is it a cordless phone?
Me (yelling): NO! (in a calmer voice) Yes.
Technician (confused): No it's not a cordless or yes it is?
Child: WHY NOT?
Me: Yes it's a cordless. (Yelling) Because you still have more homework to do!
Technician: Do you have a corded phone you can plug in instead?
Child: WHAT?! I do NOT have more homework!
Me (still yelling): Yes you do! You have a whole page of multiplication. Sorry, (to the technician) what was the question?
Technician (sounding a little frazzled, which is fine because so am I): Do you have a corded phone you can use?
Me: Yeeeees... (imagining the hassle this is going to be to get my corded phone from my bedroom. I'll have to somehow unravel the 50 ft. long phone cord that is irrevocably tangled with all the other cords hiding behind my bed. It's so bad I gave it up for a lost cause and just let the cords knot hopelessly for the last 4 years) Do we really have to use a corded phone?
*I can hear the answer in the silence from the other end of the phone.
Me: Okay. This will take just a minute.
Child: This is freaking IMPOSSIBLE!
Me (agreeing as I fight with the cord ball, while trying to keep the 2 centimeter wide cell phone in between my ear and shoulder): No, it's not!
Child: Where's the calculator?
Me (yelling and dropping the cell phone as I yank the cord free at last): Absolutely not! That's cheating!
Child (grumbling incoherently under his breath - while still at a yell. How do they do that?): FINE!
Technician: Maybe we should just set up an appointment to have someone come and check it out.
Me: No, I've got it. (running to the modem) Okay, it's plugged in. Yea! We have a dial tone.
Technician (in obvious relief): Well if that's all, thanks for calling--
Me: No, wait! (running downstairs to check other phones) But we don't have a dial tone anywhere else.
Child (sprinting to the front door): Bye Mom!
Me: Stop right there! You can't go until I check your homework.
Child: WHAT?! That will take FOREVER!
Technician: There must obviously be something wrong with your phone jacks--
Me (to child): Sit down. I'm almost done.
Technician (practically stumbling over her words in her haste): So I have a technician scheduled for Friday between 8 and 12 to come check that out, will that work for you? (not even waiting for a reply). I'll just put it in the computer--
Me: I guess that's okay.
*cell phone beeps indicating low battery
Technician (under her breath): C'mon, c'mon. (falsely cheerful) I'm sorry, my computer's being slow, but I'll just make sure the order gets put in after we get off the phone.
Other Child (dashing out the front door before I can stop him): Bye Mom!
First Child: HEY! Why does he get to go when I was done first?!
Me (to technician): Don't you need a phone number to reach me?
Child: Mom! You're taking forever!
Technician: Oh, yeah. Give it to me and I'll just write it down. (after I give cell number she finishes so fast it's like one long word) We'llseeyouFridayandthanksforcallingComcast. *click*
And that was the condensed version.
**Note to self: check *all* phones in the house to make sure they haven't been off the hook all day (like the one I found in the basement 2 hours after this experience) before calling the phone company.
So 7:00 rolls around and I am DONE. Like, done done. I park the kids in front of the TV, collapse on the couch, and refuse to watch another episode of "Chowder" - probably the *strangest* cartoon ever created. My kids wanted to watch American Idol, so that's what we did.
Then in the bathtub my 5 year-old declared she wanted to be on the show and made up two songs. My favorite was the one where she gyrated around and sang various versions of "I do everything good and you do everything bad" at the top of her lungs. At least I know we're doing good in the self-esteem department.