Thursday, April 30, 2009

Swine Flu scare

I don't have a whole lot to say about it. You'll want to check into news sites for information, not this blog. However, I do have to share this phrase, which I *wish* I'd thought of.

Aporkalypse Now


*laugh* *snort* *chortle*

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Move over Bella & Edward, here come Stella & Tedward!

One of the highlights of the conference for me was this chapter by Spencer McKay, who didn't make the deadline for the First Chapter Writing Contest (the lucky grand prize winners won an Amazon Kindle II and an Alphasmart Neo - I don't have either, and I want them both!) but Tristi Pinkston graciously read the scene for all the attendees. I was laughing so hard I cried, which was a little unfair since I had to get up right after and announce the winners of the contest.

So, if you love Twilight (book or movie), here's the scene for your enjoyment:


* * *

“I know what you are,” I said. I looked at Tedward. “Your skin is green. You’re impossibly cheerful. You pay for everything with gold coins.”

“Say it,” he urged.

“You’re … a leprechaun.”

“Yes, Stella,” he said. “I am a leprechaun. How did you figure it out?”

“Hopsy told me.”

Tedward growled. “Hopsy is my mortal enemy. His people and my people have been enemies for years. Finally a truce was made, but it’s an uneasy truce. Leprechauns and Easter Bunnies will never be friends.” He reached out and touched my face. “I’m glad you know the truth about me, Stella. But I’m not just any leprechaun—I’m an evil leprechaun.”

“I’m not scared of you,” I said.

“You should be,” he said. Suddenly he was at my side. Then he was on my left. Then he was on my right. Then he was hanging upside down from a nearby branch. He was making me dizzy—or was it his sparkling white smile that made me weak?

“I could kill you,” he said. “I could rip you in pieces and eat this half with mustard and that half with ketchup.”

“You wouldn’t do that,” I said.

He reached out to touch my face. “But I could.”

“But you wouldn’t,” I said.

He trailed his fingers down my face. “I could strangle you and leave you out here in the woods.”

“Do go on,” I said.

“No, Stella,” he said, touching my face. “I have a rope in my backpack. I could hang you. You shouldn’t trust me.”

“But you won’t hurt me.”

He opened his jacket and I saw a gun in a holster under his arm. “This is a Glock. I could shoot you right now. I have thirty-seven vials of poison in my pocket. Plus, I have a knife in my boot. You shouldn’t trust me, Stella. I’m telling you. I’m dangerous. But, I love you, all these death threats notwithstanding."


I reached out and slapped his arm. “Silly boy! Whatever would you want with me? I’m just a wan, pale, homely little thing.”

“Stella, don’t you know how beautiful you are?”

“No, no, I don’t. I am wan and pale and homely.”

He touched my face. “You are beautiful. And your smell … do you have any idea how good you smell?”

I picked up a piece of my hair and sniffed it. “I’ve been told I smell like freesia …

“Freesia? Who would want to eat freesia? Girl, you smell like a double bacon cheeseburger with a side order of onion rings. And a Diet Coke.”

“A Diet Coke?”

“A Diet Coke. Do you see why you’re in danger?”

“You’d kill me for a Diet Coke? Real Coke, maybe I can see, but Diet Coke?”

“You shouldn’t be with me, Stella. I’m no good for you.”

“But Tedward, I trust you. After you saved me from the collapsing bridge and the falling tower and the crashing bus and the stampeding elephants and the cholera and the tumbling shopping mall, how could I not trust you?”

“But you can’t! Don’t you see? Your fingers look like French fries …”

“I thought you said I smelled like onion rings.”

He groaned. “Don’t remind me. You’re making it worse.”

“I trust you, Tedward. I believe in you.”

He reached out to touch my face.



After you finish laughing pop over to author Tristi Pinkston's blog where Spencer guest-blogged and read his comments.


Monday, April 27, 2009

Forget books, I'm going into music videos

Last weekend was the LDStorymaker's Writer's Conference and it was an incredible event! I was privileged to be on the conference committee that put it together. One of the fun (and perhaps foolish) things I agreed to do was help with a music video that was a spoof of the Nickelback song "Rockstar." This one is called "I Wanna Be a Bestseller" and it's for all the writers in the world. It stars authors and friends, who all would love to be a bestseller.

(I can't believe I'm sharing this...) Hit it!



And here are the lyrics (thanks to authors Heather Moore and Crystal Liechty):

I'm through with submitting to agents who won't read my queries
It's the end of the world if I never get published
This novel hasn't turned out quite the way I want it to be
(Tell me what you want)

I want a two-book deal, for a hundred million bucks
And a bathroom I can use my laptop in
And a king-sized office big enought for my ego 'n me
(Tell me what you need)

I need a five-star listing from Kirkus Review
And a medal from the Newbury committee too
Gotta hit the New York Times list the first week my book is out
(Been there, done that)

I want a cabin full of Whitney Awards
And a top ten rating on Amazon
Somewhere between J.K. and Stephenie is fine for me
(So how you gonna do it?)

I'm gonna trade this book for fortune and fame
I'd even change the end and get a pen name

[Chorus]
'Cause we all just wanna be Big Best Sellers
And live in huge houses getting great big checks
the muse comes asy and the words come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we're too stressed to eat
And we'll hang out at the Book Expo
In the VIP with Stephenie Meyer
Every vampire writer's gonna wind up there
Every wanna-be author with their chapters to share

Hey, hey, I wanna be a Bestseller
Hey, hey, I wanna be a Bestseller

I wanna be great like Dan Brown without the angels
Hire three assistants to answer my emails
Take a two week tour and expense my signings for free
(See ya in Barnes and Noble, ha ha)

I'll bring bathrobes 'n slippers back into fashoin
Call my editor from my agent's mansion
Gonna date an actor who wants to star in my movie deals
(So how you gonna do it?)

[Chorus]
'Cause we all just wanna be Big Best Sellers
And live in huge houses getting great big checks
the muse comes asy and the words come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we're too stressed to eat
And we'll hang out at the Book Expo
In the VIP with Stephenie Meyer
Every vampire writer's gonna wind up there
Every wanna-be author with their chapters to share
I'll be too busy to check my reviews
Won't matter to me 'cause Paramount's on line two
I'll remember what it used to be like back when
My books got rejected by even my friends

Hey, hey, I wanna be a Bestseller
Hey, hey, I wanna be a Bestseller

Gonna sue anyone who has a similar story
Gonna act real surprised at all my glory
I'll get famous authors to endorse my book
Tell Oprah how I come up with my hook

'Cause we all just wanna be Big Best Sellers
And live in huge houses getting great big checks
the muse comes asy and the words come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we're too stressed to eat
And we'll hang out at the Book Expo
Gonna follow Stephenie Meyer around the show
Every vampire writer's gonna wind up there
Every wanna-be author with their chapters to share

Gonna sue anyone who has a similar story
Gonna act real surprised at all my glory
I'll get famous authors to endorse my book
Tell Oprah how I come up with my hook

Hey, hey, I wanna be a Bestseller
Hey, hey, I wanna be a Bestseller

Friday, April 24, 2009

Funny LDS humor

I feel it's a good time to throw in some LDS humor. (Sorry if you're not LDS, as it won't be nearly as funny.)

This is the front of a T-shirt at Shameless Humor.

The copy about the shirt reads:
Kissing is okay, but there are lines that need to be drawn,
and they need to be drawn as soon as possible,
like the very moment you meet someone.


*I wish I'd had this in high school*

You can also get a T-shirt that says "Fetch Off and Die." You know, for *those* kind of days.


I was procrastinating and found a funny blog that tickled my sleep-deprived funny bone. It's called My Religious Blog and it features, among other things, a new drink called "Sheri Dew" (think Mountain Dew) and "Puns of Perdition." Ha ha ha!


*Note: I tried multiple times to insert the Sheri Dew drink picture into this blog, but blogger obviously hates it. Do I sense a religious bias? Hmmm?*

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

A must-see movie

Here's the movie trailer from one of my favorite books of all time: My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Piccoult.




And if you're curious, here's the post on my other blog where I recommend the book. I am so there. With a whole box of tissues (trust me, you'll need them).

Monday, April 20, 2009

She Lives!

Barely.

I'm really involved in a writer's conference this weekend so there aren't a whole lot of free brain cells at the moment, but here's a link to a great blog post about Susan Boyle and not giving up.

If you are like me and are one of the few people in the country that hasn't seen the clip of Susan Boyle in the show Britain's Got Talent (I saw it yesterday), then here's a youtube clip of it. Watch it first here.

Then read the blog "How Do You Know When To Quit" at Murderati. It's inspirational.

So find your dream and don't give up!

(And just ignore those 35 agent rejections, dangit!)

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Beeeeep



Just to let you know that The Theler Five will be off air for a little while, but we'll be back soon.

Happy Easter!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Thinking of Spring

We have a happy little plant in our rock wall that's the first thing to bloom every spring.

If a picture is worth a thousand words, here's a good little story. And it's almost the same color as the blog background! (I so planned that.) (Not really.)


*I was even happy to see that little bee. Maybe I'll call him George.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Snow, soreness, and revisions, oh my!

Sorry for the blog silence the last little while. I had one agent give me suggestions for a major-ish rewrite of the manuscript I'm shopping around, then I had another agent ask for the full manuscript. (WOOT!!) But I wanted to give her the best version so I pretty much ignored everything that wasn't essential (like housework, dinner, brushing my hair, the phone, etc.) to do the revisions the first agent suggested so I could send the revised book to the second agent. And do it in a short enough time so the second agent didn't think I was blowing her off or something. I sent the final, new & improved, version off this morning. *whew*

And in the middle of all that I ran my first half-marathon race (that's 13.1 miles for all you non-runner types). In the snow. And cold. Did I mention it was snowing?

I'd like to think that I looked all composed and athletic when I was done, like this pic.

But it was realistically more like this:


And I want to apologize to the people in the parking garage who didn't want to watch me wiggle out of my soaking wet clothes and change into dry ones (thanks to Jenn for the great advice!) but it really helped.

I'm happy with my performance. I pushed myself and finished in 1 hour 47 minutes, which is a pretty steady pace of about 8 minutes per mile. Yea! The guy who won the whole thing finished in 1 hour 9 minutes. That's just unbelievably fast! I'll take my time, though.

A couple of fun things to share about the race. It snowed the whole time. Oh, wait. I already mentioned that. *But* there were still people running in shorts and tank tops. I was all layered up with gloves and fuzzy wrap covering my ears.

There was also a pretty big crowd, so we were crammed together in the lane of the road that was cordoned off. I was sort of close to the starting line and could see some race official stand on a truck and yell for a minute. I have no idea what he said, because none of us could hear him. Then a gun went off. Many people (me included) weren't expecting it so a lot of ladies screamed. I didn't, but I sure jumped. I thought that was kind of funny.

Another interesting thing was that there was a division of the half-marathon that was a relay race, so I couldn't let all the runners blowing past me after mile 6.5 phase me, because some of them were in the relay and so had just started.

One important thing I learned is that it's not easy to drink Gatorade from a little Dixie cup while running. Is very messy.

Even though I was pretty sore yesterday, overall it was a fun experience and I'll probably run another one. I've had a lot of people ask me if I'm going for a marathon next, and the answer is "No." Sorry. I have no desire. Two hours of straight running is plenty. Much longer than that and I think I'd just get bored. I will do some more Sprint Triathlons, though. But not in the snow.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

I'm All About the Crockpot

What's better than throwing a bunch of ingredients in a pot, forgetting about it for several hours, and then having dinner all ready with minimum effort on your part?

Your husband doing it. And he found a good recipe the other day that I thought I'd share.

Black Bean Chicken Bowl
**Not a great title. If it were a book, the marketing department would have tossed it out on it's ear and picked a new one, like maybe Beans, Chicken, and a Tasty Hint of Chili: One woman's journey with her crock pot. I'll let you pick the recipe name.**

Ingredients:
4 boneless/skinless chicken breasts
1/2 cup chopped onion
1 can chicken broth
1 can diced tomatoes
1 can black beans (rinsed and drained)
1 cup frozen corn
1 Tbsp chili powder
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp salt

Directions:
Add all ingredients to the crock pot. Cook on HIGH for 3-4 hours. Remove chicken and shred/chop and then return to crock pot. Serve.


Voila! Dinner is served!

We are going to alter the recipe just a little bit for our family's tastes. We will only add 2 chicken breasts (there was a veritable plethora of chicken with 4), 2 cans of broth, 2 cans of beans, and half a tsp/Tbsp more of the spices to make up for the extra beans & broth.

Enjoy!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Everybody run & hide!


It's the...

CONFICKER WORM!!

That virus that's already infected thousands--nay, hundreds of thousands--of computers, only *lower voice to a whisper* you don't know it yet.

That's right ladies and gentleman! It's mean. It's nasty. It will steal all your personal information for some acne-ridden hacker to use for obscene amounts of Star Wars paraphernalia! Or X-box games from Walmart.com.

And it goes live on April 1st!

BEWARE! Assume you're already infected and just go download this, or this, or that. Or... better yet, go to your friend's computer which you hope isn't infected and download the fix-it software, then email it to yourself. Then install it to get rid of the nasty worm. We think.

But no matter what, back up *everything* cause chances are you'll lose it all. *Gasp* *Panic* *Run through the streets screaming like a banshee*

Yet, here we are. April 1st. *yawn*

This is so Y2K. Remember that? All kinds of panic and then... nothing.

Yeah, April Fools on us all. I think the companies that sell external hard drives or web-based backup services were in on it.

*You can read all about the Conficker worm here or here.*